Text by tootwofootsquare

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So I think we should break up.

What?

Yeah.

What?!

I’m sorry.

Why?

It just isn’t working out.

What?!

I’m just not happy.

But we’ve been having a great time –

I know, I just—

We went to the zoo  together –

We did –

And we talked about the kids chasing the peacocks and you said that OURkids would never act that way — 

I wasn’t being serious.

How was I supposed to know that?!

Come on, this doesn’t have to be this difficult.

You met my parents!

—And they were very nice, it’s just –

Just what?

I just don’t like you.

 What do you mean you don’t LIKE me?

No, I don’t like YOU.

What happened? Why don’t you like me anymore?

Ever. I don’t think I ever liked you. I mean, you’re beautiful but you’re insufferable.

INSUFFERABLE?!

Insufferable.

The fuck?

You’re kind of a jackass.

You’re kind of being a bitch.

Well, isn’t that wild.

What? What the fuck is wild about that?

WHAT THE FUCK IS WILD ABOUT ANYTHING YOU EVER CALL WILD?!

What are you talking about?

You. You are an asshole. In fact, you’re THAT asshole who says things like, ‘that’s wild’ after someone tells you they ran out of soy milk at the fucking coffee shop. WHAT THE FUCK IS WILD ABOUT THAT?! Nothing. There is nothing out-of-the ordinary about a lack of soymilk.

I’m not—

You are. You’re that asshole who says, ‘that’s hilarious’ when a) it’s not and b) you’re not laughing.

We’ve been together for more than a year and you’re breaking up with me because of shit I say to fill up silence?

You don’t get it.

No, I don’t.

Of course you don’t.

… Well, this is awesome.

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